One thing that most of us share as humans is that we talk to ourselves, starting at a very early age. Sometimes it’s literally out loud. Maybe you vent your frustration in the car while drifting slo-mo in a sea of traffic. Or maybe you whisper a few encouraging words to yourself in the mirror when you need to drum up your self-confidence before a meeting. Often, though, self-talk is an ongoing inner monologue, heard only by you. 

Chances are you’ve already noticed in yourself and others just how powerful self-talk can be, for better or worse. Unsupportive self-talk can contribute to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Further, it can thwart your efforts to move forward in life, according to narcissistic abuse/codependency therapist and author Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT.¹

The “Tyrannical Trio”

Most commonly, unsupportive self-talk is dominated by the unruly Tyrannical Trio (comprised of the Critic, Perfectionist, and Pusher). According to Lancer, the Critic voice can be the most destructive of the trifecta, as it seeks to hone in on flaws and declare that you’ll never measure up. The Perfectionist demands nothing less than the absolute best, and the Pusher has unrealistic expectations to do more, more, more—even in the face of exhaustion and burnout.¹

Just as you can choose to support your body with nourishing food, you can support yourself with nourishing self-talk.

Sound familiar? If you’ve had emotionally reactive, critical, controlling, narcissistically abusive, or neglectful caretakers or partners (and/or experienced oppressive systems), you likely absorbed their harsh messages to the point where they took on a life of their own inside your psyche. (Therapists call the process of taking in others’ messages and believing them as your own internalizing. When the messages of oppressive systems are internalized, this is called internalized oppression.)

Moreover, the unsupportive self-talk radio station with the Tyrannical Trio as obnoxious prime-time DJs might be broadcasting so often in your mind, you might forget that there are other stations you can actually listen to. And tuning into “Tyrannical Trio FM” is not the kind of mental nutrition you want to be feeding yourself day after day (pardon my mixed metaphors; I’m full of those. Stick with me.).

Use the power of self-talk to your advantage

So what is there to do? Well, just as unsupportive self-talk can exert an unwanted influence on your mood, self-esteem, energy, and overall well-being, the converse is true, too. Cultivating your mental nutrition via supportive self-talk—that is, feeding yourself “nutritious” self-talk with the critical emotional nutrients of self-love, self-compassion, support, and healthy self-discipline—can help to increase your:

• Self-esteem

• Sense of fulfillment and enjoyment of life

• Drive to go after your goals and dreams

Just as you can choose to support your body with nourishing food, you can support yourself with nourishing self-talk. 

Top 4 tips to feed your mind with supportive self-talk

Here are my 4 favorite tips for cultivating mental nutrition with supportive self-talk:

1. Get curious. Start getting curious about your self-talk (without judgment if and when you do note unsupportive self-talk). What are the clues that it’s unsupportive self-talk? Do you call yourself demoralizing names, like “Lazy” or “Stupid”? Do you make sweeping, exaggerated predictions, like “If I don’t get this job, I’m a failure for life”? What are the clues that it’s supportive self-talk? For instance, did you give yourself an inner high-five for getting through an intimidating job interview?

2. Become a self-talk alchemist. Alchemy is the ancient art of transforming matter from one form to another. In this exercise, you’ll transform unsupportive self-talk into nourishing self-talk. Fold a piece of lined paper in half lengthwise. Keep a running log of your unsupportive self-talk statements in the left column for one week (e.g., “If I fail this exam, it will prove how stupid I am.”). Now, in the right column, come up with an “antidote” self-talk statement speaking in the affirmative that transforms the unsupportive statement into a supportive one (e.g., “I alone determine who I am as a person, and I choose to love and support myself no matter what.”)

3. Create a short daily self-talk practice. First thing in the morning, before you brush your teeth, muster all the love you can in your heart and give yourself a loving look in the mirror and tell yourself a simple, kind phrase like “I love you,” “You’ve got this,” or another affirmation. It might feel awkward at first, but keep practicing—this one is potent.

4. Call yourself by your name. Researchers have demonstrated that when people refer to themselves by their name during self-talk, they achieve a bit of healthy emotional distance and start relating to themselves in the third person. This can help decrease depression, anxiety, and shame, as well as help people access their wiser, less reactive side.¹,²

To sum it up

Unsupportive self-talk is often the result of internalized negative messages from others (such as partners or family members who enact narcissistic abuse) and/or oppressive systems. Self-talk is undoubtedly powerful, and it can either harm or heal depending on whether it’s unsupportive or supportive. Work on feeding yourself with nourishing, supportive self-talk to jump-start your journey to healing from narcissistic abuse and codependency. When you speak to yourself with kindness and compassion, it counteracts any negative messages you’ve received. Plus, it increases your self-esteem, access to joy, and drive to go after what you want in life.

References
1. Lancer D. The power of self-talk. https://whatiscodependency.com/self-talk-inner-critic-selfesteem/. Published November 6, 2017. Accessed July 4, 2022.
2. Kross E, Bruehlman-Senecal E, Park J, et al. Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism: how you do it matters. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2014;106(2):304-324.